I think we all know that being in the mood can be the difference between mind-altering, soul connected sex and the average roll in the hay. But what can you do when the stress of life is on the forefront of your mind and connecting with your partner is way, way in the back?

According to Sexual Healing author Barbara Keesling, Ph.D., there are some pretty specific techniques called “spoon breathing” that lovers do to relax, connect and get in the mood. In short, they are:

1. Lie together with your partner so that one person’s back snuggles up against the other person’s front, both pairs of legs bent. The partner in back places his or her hand on the stomach of whoever is in front.

2. Begin to pay attention to your breathing. Avoid talking or squirming, even if you become aroused.

3. To slow your breathing, both of you take three or four deep breaths and then exhale forcefully. Relax your muscles by concentrating on your bottom leg, imagining it sinking into the bed.

4. Stay in this position and breathe deeply for five to 10 minutes. Alternate focusing on your breath, then your partner’s; eventually your breathing will synchronize naturally.

5. Every time you and your partner practice spoon breathing, alternate who’s in front and who’s in back.

By getting used to consciously connecting before sex, you should more easily be able to relax your mind and be present when the time calls for it. I think “spoon breathing” is a beautiful way to set the mood and synchronize with your lover. If that doesn’t work, champagne, Teddy Pendergrass and chocolate always work in a pinch!


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